Well, it’s hitting me after 4&1/2 months, Scott is gone. It didn’t feel real and still doesn’t that my wonderful husband is no more! The crazy sleep pattern is back . Unable to fall asleep at night but finally crash around 5am and then stuck in dreamless deep sleep until afternoon. Walking around in a daze trying to clean up until it’s time to feed the dogs and get some form of dinner made for when my son gets home from work. There are quiet tears all through the awake time. Before, every moment was focused on putting Scott’s celebration and anticipation for it . I expected to feel down once the big party was over . What I am feeling makes the word “down” sound fun. I’m ripped to shreds . Where seeing his photo and hearing his voice (old videos, messages, etc) made me smile, it now just hurts in the realization that he’s gone and never coming back. And I miss him and want him and don’t know what to do without him with me.

Living the dream last Summer. Living in a nightmare this one.
Little Scott and his parents and sisters, way back when
Scott surprised everyone by announcing our engagement on his 31st birthday 🥳

So, the hurt is real and pain is present. I was worried a month ago about not feeling my feelings but now that they have shown up, I guess I have to deal with them. How do you cure heartache? What now?

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