I’m still creaking but not creating. For the first time ever in my life, I’m not interested in any projects though for a few days after Scott’s death, I did put a few strands of crystals on wire. After about a month of walking past the strands just gathering dust on a coffee table, I grabbed them and walked up the hill to hang them.
To my shock, a huge huge like 10 foot oak branch fell from my neighbor’s huge huge oak tree fell down into my yard with just a bit still in the neighbor’s yard and on top of the fence. My first post Scott calamity. My brother in law “the judge” happened to be at my house when I discovered this. He said to go speak to the neighbor, which of course, I need to do . 😩
I miss him but find myself forgetting he’s gone and still talking to him while watching shows at night. Something cute comes on and I smile toward where he use to sit and then remember he is gone. It happens a lot. Good Gosh, I wish he was there. I joined an online group of widows and widowers and see everyone grieving in different ways after varying years/months/weeks of widowhood. I feel guilty for being numb but truly feel if I let “go” of my feelings that I may really badly fall apart.
As for the grieving, I am still very strangely numb. I am still afraid of facing the fact that he’s gone forever. He was such an outgoing, friendly and talkative guy, ready for anything and always upbeat, essentially, my complete opposite. The house is so quiet.
My daughter and her husband come up from the South Bay a weekend or two each month. My older son came back to town and stayed with me for a few days and we ran errands and he got to spend time with my younger son. My boys are 14 years or so apart in age but now as both are grown men, it’s nice, really nice to watch them interact. For such a long time, my kids with wide differences in interests, ages and temperaments that it was like having 3 “only child s”
But, these last months, I have had them all together in my house for the first time in many years and they found common ground watching television and joking about the shows, they are a united front in taking care of me and have been staying in touch with each other without my pushing. They each have their role in helping mom get through this while they themselves are dealing with Scott’s death. I feel very blessed and very fortunate for my offspring to support each other and me.
I’m almost finished with hammering out the household accounts and transferring documents and all that. After that, I’ll be looking to hire a gardener to come deal with the front yard and flowerbeds by the pool.
The pets are doing better. I stopped putting Desh in his crate since he was starting to cry inside it. After the first night of not being forced to go in it, he started to go inside it on his own for sleeping, so I guess it’s staying? I’m going to have enough room for sure since I have ordered a new smaller bed and am moving our king size bed to another guest room. My new bed has one of those adjustable frames that come with a remote. Hoping it helps with my shoulder pain. At least, I won’t need so many pillows to sit up . Also, it has massage unit for my back in it. I may never leave it! For now, because I can’t push my new mattress or frame up the stairs, I’m sleeping on my old mattress which is now on the floor, hippie style. We had everything ready for the new bed yesterday but it just arrived today. Yawn.
I’m so dull right now but, there’s no point holding onto this WordPress Blog unless I continue to blog. While I’m not creating anything new, I’m still considering applying to shows with artwork already created. I was excited to enter the upcoming De Young museum call for art but reading the fine print on the application says “no wool” allowed on the artwork. I have no clue why this is? I may enter that one big painting I made in November .
Again, sorry for being such a dull read. I’m doing my best to stay positive and considering what I’m wanting to do with my time without Scott. Do I want to move? Do I want to travel? When will I be back creating things?
Well, for the next 6/7 months
I will pop in here monthly until either I am making art or decide to close down.
Thanks for following along!